Buffering

What about me?

That question seems so selfish.

Looking down at our sweet daughter after she was born, I remember thinking, "how could anyone want to be away from their child?" Obviously, some parents have to be away from their children because of work, school, or maybe even both. The "away time" I am talking about is some good quality time for yourself.

The first year of our daughters life every time the thought, "me time" popped into my head I felt utterly selfish, but mostly guilt stricken. Defying all the odds against what doctors had told me from the age of 16 about being able to bear children, God blessed and entrusted me with this tiny precious human. I didn't take this miracle and gift lightly and still don't. I felt if I admitted to needing alone time it meant she was a burden. Which is farthest from the truth. Unfortunately, I continued to allow this thought to poison every part of me of my mind.

I was emotionally and spiritually unhealthy. I was spent mentally and drained physically. I essentially had neglected myself. For about a year or so everyday felt like a whirlwind. I couldn't catch my breath. From keeping up with my daily duties as a wife, chores, making sure our daughter got 3+ meals a day: along with her daily medications, feeding myself and my husband(we all ate a different diet), oh and remembering to empty my bladder and brush my teeth!! I felt overwhelmed. I never looked human and was living on dry shampoo. Don't even get me started on the pile of unfolded laundry I was hording in the corner of the room. Most days I didn't even get dressed unless we had errands to run or a doctor appointment to attend. My first thought in the morning was always making sure my husband and daughter were taken care of and it was usually my last thought of the day too.

One day a few weeks ago, I finally hit my boiling point. It was a loud day, Paisley was singing and screeching at the very top of her lungs all day; running around like a crazy girl. Every time I tried to stand at the kitchen sink to wash dishes or use the bathroom she was at my feet crying. She wanted me planted on the couch cuddling or playing dolls with her. My husband came home from a long day at work and wanted to take us out for dinner. In the midst of our conversation while getting ready for our family date, Paisley stands right in-between us and screams. I raised my voice over hers and proceeded to talk to my husband but the louder my voice got, she matched me 10 fold. She just wanted our undivided attention. Out of frustration I raised my voice to her and said "MOMMY NEEDS A MOMENT OF SILENCE, CAN'T I HAVE ONE SECOND?!?" I regretted those words as soon as they left my mouth; especially the tone I used them in. She immediately stopped and just stared at me. I have never had that tone with her, she was stunned and so was I. My heart was crushed. I couldn't believe my actions. I immediately sat down in the middle of the room with my head in my hands along with shame and guilt resting heavy on my shoulders; my voice echoed in my head like a broken record "BAD MOM".

I don't know how long I sat there but my gracious husband took my daughter to the other room to play while I collected what was left of myself.

After that incident I realized I can't keep pouring from an empty cup and yet trying to fill everyone else's. I began to understand how crucial it is to carve out time for myself.

This past month I have been able to get one morning each week of quality "me" time. During this time slot each week I've been blessed to have the fellowship of other moms that have encouraged me and awakened my senses in ways I never thought possible. It has been an eye opening experience. I've realized by neglecting my own self, I had neglected my spouse and his emotional needs. I neglected the attention that my daughter needed from me. I thought I was giving them MOM 3.0 by not taking a break but really I was serving them an empty gas tank running on fumes. I was too exhausted to be present the way they needed me.

I'm not a bad mom and neither are you. Don't feel guilty or selfish for taking time to recharge. If it is going down the street alone to buy a cup of coffee, reading a chapter in a new novel each day, taking a bath or nice long shower; maybe even starting your day with a devotional before your feet hit the ground. Whatever it is that helps you to feel rejuvenated, I encourage to do it. It will be the least selfish thing you will do all day! Taking care of you and loving on yourself, will provide you with the stamina to give your family the love and care they deserve and crave from you. You will be exhilarated and fulfilled and you will pass that energy onto them.

Am I able to achieve everything I want done for the day? No. I'm learning that it's OK. The importance doesn't lie in completing my everyday tasks but being present for my family. Taking a sliver of time for myself each day or once a week has shaped my overall response. Before I was bursting at the seams when something on my to-do list wasn't done. Now I can take a deep breath a know there's always tomorrow.

Love on yourself, you deserve it and so do they.

-manic mom