Daddy Issues?

I loathe the label "daddy issues". People have associated me with this title for most of my life. My biological father was long gone before I was born.

My mom called me from a courthouse one day and asked me if I would like to meet my dad. Without hesitation I said YES! It was a dream I had been dreaming of for eleven years and it was coming true. I was excited to finally meet the missing half of who I was. I was warned through stories growing up of how abusive he was but didn’t care. People can change right? I wanted to know his likes and dislikes. I wanted know if I looked like him, compare our noses, eyes, and smiles. Did we like the same foods, sports, or colors?

This picture of a soon-to-be happy family I had day dreamed about my whole life was far from a dream come true. After meeting him he only stayed for about 4 months. Most of the time, when I visited him he was never around. When he was physically present he wasn’t mentally. I witnessed my siblings and step-mom being abused by him and the pain I seen in their eyes was enough to last me a life time. After he decided to leave for the second time, I didn’t hear from nor see him until my senior year in high school. Again same story. Stayed a few months and disappeared. This happened many more times than I can count. He left nothing behind but a wake of broken dreams and a shattered heart in the reminisce of his dust.

I just wanted to celebrate with everyone else and mean it wholeheartedly, I yearned to know him and wanted to understand who I was. I thought the only way to do this was to keep allowing him to come into my life when he saw fit. I hoped each time would be better than the last then maybe I could piece them together like a puzzle to create a happy ending. Father's Day has never been a favorite for me. It was life rubbing my face in what I never had, like a dad teaching his child how to ride a bike, attending a daddy daughter dance at school, or watching my friends being escorted down the isle by the man that had their heart since birth. Its a day filled with emotional and mental triggers. A day that leaves my heart aching and my mind exhausted. One that I personally could do without. I was sour towards my father because I didn’t understand why the only thing he had ever been consistent with in my life was leaving. I went through that whole “it’s because of me” phase for pretty much my whole life. Always allowing myself to feel less than because of his actions. I didn’t realize all those years I was carrying his burdens and taking responsibility for him. It wasn’t until shortly after I met my husband that my mindset started to flip. I believe this is mostly because of my husbands strong faith in our creator. God used my husband to pull me back towards Him; to reevaluate my life and build a new foundation with Him. For so many years I ran from my Heavenly Father; trying to heal my own way: alone. Everything always ended in shambles. I pushed the good people away and clung to the unhealthy toxic ones. I developed co-dependency habits through the pain I experienced in my childhood. I lacked trust and respect for the people that deserved it most.

My husband helped me mend a broke relationship with the most important father I have ever known; my heavenly one. Through repairing my relationship with the Lord, He revealed to me a peace I had never known before. Its a peace that says, "Its okay my father was never present". Its a peace that has shown me how many wonderful father figures God placed in my path through the years that stepped up when my father couldn't. Like my Papa for example, He wasn’t a “stand-in” dad he is the man that genuinely wanted and still wants to be there for me. He's the father that taught me how to ride a bike and bait a hook. He stepped out and stepped up when my father didn’t want too. There have been many more along the way who have been there for me like a father. This peace showed me I am blessed enough to not have one father to celebrate but many; and that is a pretty cool thought.

The road to healing hasn't been an easy one but, I've been able to heal a little more each day as I watch the father that is most precious to me. My husband. The way he nurtures our daughter, loves her, teaches her, and kisses all her boo-boos. I'm Thankful that he said YES to me and creating a life together; to tending wounds that he didn't create, loving ALL OF ME even the ugly parts and how patient he is with me on my most pressing days. ONLY God could have prepared him for such a journey. This not only has made him a wonderful spouse but the most amazing father. The way he has cared for me has only showed a glimpse of the love and tenderness he has towards his child. I've healed most knowing that he is always present in every moment that he spends with his daughter and she knows he wants to be.

Happy Father’s Day to all my dads, you know who you are. You are so special to me.

Let’s celebrate all the fathers today, the ones who stepped up when they didn’t have to, the ones who have been there since before birth, the ones fighting to see their little ones and even the moms doing it all alone. You all are so loved, needed, and important not just on Father's Day but everyday!

-manic mom